30 December 2010

The most frustrating feeling in the world....

is thinking that you know someone, thinking that they have morals. Then witnessing them do something which is so totally unforgivable that you lose every single ounce of respect you have.


29 December 2010

I wrote this post last year...

But it seems just as familiar now.

I hate this, when you've missed someone so much, like so much it hurts, ever had that feeling? You put all your heart, all your soul and all the willpower you have left inside you into moving on. You do it, and you finally start to feel happy again, and they just walk back in, and say the things they used to say, and do the things they used to do, they wear the same clothes, smell the same, look the same...and all the hard work goes, and you're left, absolutely heartbroken again, because you're so in love with that person, and you want things to go back to how they were.
Deep down, you know, that things will never go back, because they were never really there. You know that all the things he said were a lie, and all the things he did were wrong, but you can't help but love him.
You tell your heart to move on and your head to let go but your feet stay firmly rooted to that spot, and you're screaming and shouting, tears streaming down your face and you're secretly wishing him to walk through the door and scoop you up in his arms and tell you everythings going to be okay.

love hurts...
and you want it to go back, like so much? and your friends don't understand, and your best friend is his best friend, and well...all your friends are his friends. and he moves on, and then leaves you there, making you look stupid. You find yourself thinking about him, all the time, and then talking about them. Then people realise and you look like an idiot because then they all tease you.

Two days left of 2010....

"if i could write you a song to make you fall in love, I'd already have you up under my arms" Mike Posner.
He wrote me a song, made me fall in love & broke my heart.

This year has been a roller-coaster of a journey, highs, lows & moments where I thought it was falling upside-down. 
I met a guy, fell in love with him, had my heart broken by him, remained best friends with him, but still totally, head over heels in love with him. It's the love where he is my BEST FRIEND, and my world. He makes me who I am and has changed me. He has taught me to love myself, respect myself and work hard to build a future for myself.

I also celebrated my 18th birthday. This was one of the most difficult days of my life, sure, I got the car, the piece of jewelery to commemorate the day. But my father wasn't there. He hasn't been here for 8 years now, but it became so much more apparent when no one took me to one side to give me the 'you're an adult now' lecture. He wasn't there to take me out in my car, or to complain to me for coming in to late. It hurts, more now than it ever has. I thought I was ready to say goodbye, but I realise now that I am not....

I'm updating my blog from Cairo, Egypt, I'm not actually meant to be here, I was meant to go home on the 24th December, but due to the snow, I stayed. This meant that I missed Christmas with my family, and my first Christmas with 'him'. It was a hard experience, one that made me cherish my grandma, mother and brother a lot more than I ever have done before. 
I enjoyed Christmas over here, but I missed my mum, and everyone. And I'll never get to know how it felt to spend your first Christmas with the person whom you love with all your heart...we'll always remember it as the first one apart, the most hardest, heartbreak thing I've ever done.

I don't really have much else to say, apart from the fact that I am ill, I need some ENGLISH tea and a big cuddle. I miss home, I miss Kyle and I miss normality. I actually miss working, and for me to say that, means a lot.